No Foundation

I moved to a new home a few weeks ago.  Since then I feel like I’ve been walking on Jello.

No Foundation.

No routine, no familiarity, no security.

Things keep going wrong.  After moving I had no internet for weeks, and when I would call to ask when we can expect service I’d get representatives insisting I already had service.  I have 2 laptops – one for home and one for work – and even after getting internet neither one would work.  The Mac wouldn’t even turn on and the PC would just spin and spin with a perpetual “Connecting” taunting me from the top of the browser.  I got a flat tire on the interstate.  I had chest pains and went to the ER.  Our new basement flooded with 4 feet of water.  I notice my blog has changed it’s template to this weird stark black and white theme, and now for some reason there are no other choices available.

I’m in a weird psychological space right now.  I’m having some pretty profound insights – the kind you get when you have no routine to buffer you, like when you’re traveling or on vacation.  I notice routine is kind of an addiction – a way to remain numb.  And when the routine is removed you’re forced to deal with yourself.  I’m realizing I don’t like or respect myself much.  I’m realizing I don’t take care of myself.  I’m realizing my dreams in life are pretty limited to just escaping what I find to be annoying.  I’m realizing I don’t really want to help people as much as I just want to feel appreciated.  I’m realizing I still suck at managing my emotions – all it takes is a little stress.  And I don’t really know how to make any of this better.

This new blog template is kind of a metaphor for me right now.  I feel raw and stark. Scared. Unprotected. Uneasy.

I’m reminded of all the times I’ve felt alone.  And I wonder why alone keeps showing up in my life.  I know I’m not really alone, but I’m having a hard time shaking this feeling.

 

2 thoughts on “No Foundation

  1. Bryant Guy says:

    Lanie, You’re not alone, of course. I’m grateful to know you. My life is richer from knowing you. By expressing your thoughts and feeling in such an honest way, you’ve made me feel less alone. And possibly many others. Many of your statements describe how I’ve felt at one time or another, or in some cases pretty much repeatedly. as I’ve made my crooked, unsure way through this flinty world. You really have a gift for self awareness and expression of that awareness, and that is a valuable, valuable thing. Behind our socially constructed masks, many of us, I suspect, have experienced feelings like this. But it can feel lonely to feel things that one doesn’t feel one can express to others in the normal course of everyday life. It is often in the seemingly impersonal medium of writing that we can be most open, and thereby reach and touch each other the most directly and meaningfully. You have a gift for this. Thank you Lanie! Immeasurably!!!

  2. Lanie says:

    Bryant, Thank you for responding. I think my blog is broken because I couldn’t see this comment until now. Cartoon hearts can’t begin to express my appreciation for you right now, but here they are anyway. <3 <3 <3

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