I moved to a new home a few weeks ago. Since then I feel like I’ve been walking on Jello.
No routine, no familiarity, no security.
Things keep going wrong. After moving I had no internet for weeks, and when I would call to ask when we can expect service I’d get representatives insisting I already had service. I have 2 laptops – one for home and one for work – and even after getting internet neither one would work. The Mac wouldn’t even turn on and the PC would just spin and spin with a perpetual “Connecting” taunting me from the top of the browser. I got a flat tire on the interstate. I had chest pains and went to the ER. Our new basement flooded with 4 feet of water. I notice my blog has changed it’s template to this weird stark black and white theme, and now for some reason there are no other choices available.
I’m in a weird psychological space right now. I’m having some pretty profound insights – the kind you get when you have no routine to buffer you, like when you’re traveling or on vacation. I notice routine is kind of an addiction – a way to remain numb. And when the routine is removed you’re forced to deal with yourself. I’m realizing I don’t like or respect myself much. I’m realizing I don’t take care of myself. I’m realizing my dreams in life are pretty limited to just escaping what I find to be annoying. I’m realizing I don’t really want to help people as much as I just want to feel appreciated. I’m realizing I still suck at managing my emotions – all it takes is a little stress. And I don’t really know how to make any of this better.
This new blog template is kind of a metaphor for me right now. I feel raw and stark. Scared. Unprotected. Uneasy.
I’m reminded of all the times I’ve felt alone. And I wonder why alone keeps showing up in my life. I know I’m not really alone, but I’m having a hard time shaking this feeling.