The Struggle

Many times I’ve thought about just stopping with this blog.  Lately I’ve had that thought on a daily basis.  I know it’s not that big a deal to anyone but me whether or not I keep it going. I don’t know if anyone actually reads this anymore…cept a couple folks (and thank you to them).  But not just that…This blog hurts these days because I want to be able to come back here and report good things…report that I’m killing it and losing weight and getting healthy.  Report that at least one of my schemes is a good one.  I can’t do that though, and it’s embarrassing.  I’m embarrassed by my flailing around.

I’m fat because I eat too much.  Why do I eat too much?  I’m not sure.  Sometimes I just feel driven to eat.  When I’ve actually tracked my calories for very long it’s clear that I’m fat because of how much I eat.  I’m one of those shameful fat people that just can’t say no to food.  It’s embarrassing.

So why do I come here and embarrass myself by announcing it?  I don’t know that either.

I try to tell myself this isn’t a personality problem, but I’m not completely sure about that.  My head tells me there’s a biological problem or I wouldn’t be driven to overeat.  Maybe it’s a nutritional deficiency.  Maybe it’s excess cortisol from all the stress again washing over me.  Maybe it’s a sluggish thyroid.  Maybe it’s poor amino acid supply.  Maybe it’s being perimenopausal.  Maybe it’s all of these things and I’m completely fucked.  I suspect that’s the case.  I don’t like to think I’m fucked though.  I keep trying and trying and failing.

Fall down 7 times, get up 8.  – Chinese Proverb

I don’t know what to do.

I feel like I suck.

I’m depressed.

The first person that comments on this post with advice for me, I will follow your advice for 1 solid week and I will report back how I feel.  Please make it reasonable advice.  You know…not like eating ants or taking ice baths.  Thank you.

15 thoughts on “The Struggle

  1. I understand exactly what you are saying. I do the same on my blog. I sit here and tell people all the bad cuz there is no good. I’m learning now more than ever it’s a huge process. I know coming from a complete stranger my words mean nothing but i want you to know you are not alone. ❤ check out my blog maybe we can find some solace in each others words and struggles. Just know that someone knew read your blog 🙂

  2. Fairly new reader. Just wanted to suggest a book to you to read. Its called Life is Hard, Food is Easy by Linda Spangle. I never thought of myself as an emotional eater but there are some points from this book that helped me to figure out why I was choosing the particular food I was eating.

    I went back & read some of your blog & the biggest thing I notice is how quick you switch up an eating plan. My advice to you would be to set a goal that whatever you start next you stick with a minimum of 3 weeks to give your body time to adjust to not liking it. Consistency is just as important as all the other factors, in my opinion.

  3. Give Ray Peat a try. If you can fix your energy levels other things will come under control. Your thyroid is probably dragging you down. You feel the need to eat more because your cells cant see or cant use the fuel they have.

  4. K – you’re words definitely mean a lot to me. Thanks for speaking up and for the support. I really need it these days.

  5. Ok Dan…you’re the first to comment with advice to me so I will absolutely take it and follow it….because I said I would! However, I probably won’t be reading a book about emotional eating. I am a licensed counselor and behavior analyst and I have spent YEARS reading books about emotional eating. I’ve read every book by Geneen Roth, as well as “Overcoming Overeating” by Hirschmann and Munter, every memoir and self-book every written on compulsive overeating, bingeing/purging, anorexia, “Normal Eating for Normal Weight” by Sheryl Canter, I’ve done the entire online emotional eating curriculum at, I’ve joined and participated in Overeaters Anonymous 2 or 3 different times, I’ve joined online support groups, I’ve been in therapy with a counselor of my own off an on for years (“off” only because I moved).

    None of this helped with my overeating. No amount of knowledge about emotions or stress has helped.

    The only thing that ever helped was Jack Kruse’s Leptin Rx. I stuck with that protocol for about 6 months in 2012 (you can find it if you look back that far in this blog). It didn’t help me lose much weight but “emotional eating” was gone the entire time I followed it. That’s what makes me think this is a biological rather than emotional issue.

    I should probably just do that again.

    You’re right however that I do a lot of jumping around these days. I have had very little tolerance for feeling like crap, so when a diet or lifestyle choice makes me feel like crap for a minute or two I tend to quit it. I will stick with something.

    Thanks for the advice. 🙂

  6. Ray Peat, you say. Ok. I’m out of ideas so Ray Peat and following the Thyroid path are it!

    Thanks for sticking with me, N2P.

  7. Lanie, keep on keeping on! If you ever want or need to chat i would be more than happy to give you my email. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. ❤

  8. The reason I suggested that book is because it doesn’t focus only on emotional eating, so much as identify moods associated with particular cravings. For me, I realized I was using food as my entertainment. I didn’t start a new diet after reading that book but I did find that the author was right about wanting certain foods out if you are bored, angry, lonely, etc.

    I think most emotional eating books are heavier than eating for boredom. At least the ones I came across were too heavy for me. My comment came from you saying sometimes you feel driven to eat. If you feel the book won’t help you, I can understand that.

    Take care.

  9. Thanks, Dan. I do really appreciate you sharing something that has had an impact on you. The whole domain of moods and emotions as anything other than symptoms just hasn’t been helpful to me in the past. I will read the reviews of Life is Hard on Amazon – maybe it’s something other than I’m expecting.

  10. I like to believe we are esentially at core perfect just as we are. But we forget because we get too busy thinking. Thoughts that disempower us, limit our out look and reduce our options. Thoughts that are not self supporting. Self talk that we habitually listen too that is not kind on ourselves. Eg. For me i used to say a whole lot of self deflammatory stuff one example being I thought I was useless because i could not remember common facts, general knowledge, which i believed made me poor company, unemployable, etc I used to scald myself for eating junk, not doing enough exersize. I Rubbished my efforts because i cant spell or write in sentences orwrite what i thought were good office reports. Iw ould try harder and fall further , self sabboatage by eating more, became more of a recluse….. the negative internal dialougue would go on. eventually decided i had had enough. Which is when i began listening to my thoughts. This exersize inspired my novel which i hope through story telling would help others to ‘see’ and therfore feel how to make a shift in thier thinking. It is not a book that tells you what to do but opens your mind up naturally to find your own approapriate resolutions. The principle is simple -Change your thinking and you get differnt results and experience a different sort of life.
    You asked for suggestions. I dont beleive the answer is out here but will be found inside your head. My suggestion to help you begin the process of getting yourself out of your rut is to start listening to yourself and to take full control of your thoughts and not indulge, or dwell on any un resourceful thoughts or emotions for the next week or so. If you ‘hear’ yourself rubbishing your self stop and find an alternative perspective that is kind on yourself. I hope i have helped. Writing this on a tablet which i find awkward at the best of times. You’re welcome to have a look at my website for more info. or even email me on 🙂

  11. Lanie, long time reader here! I understand some of your struggles as they are similar to mine. Sometimes I just need to chill and stop all research and just live. I think you’ve done that before but now are ready to try something again? Me too. I’m trying nutritional ketosis which is the part of leptin rx that I think helped me. If this doesn’t help please disregard. One size does not fit all here. If you’re interested take a look at Jimmy Moores site. He uses a lot of data which you’ll appreciate due to your background. Would love to talk to you more on this if you try it!

  12. Sounds like oestrogen dominance to me, chin up and battle on, oh and my blog is the same but it helps others and looking back teaches us too, most of mine has been on twitter but i’m on wordpress now mcgregorcastle, I sent you and email too re magnesium for raising your progesterone and managing blood sugar it works but i’m going to try progesterone cream too because after 4 years of this I want my life back…i’ll let you all know how it goes whenever it arrives…taking ages catch you around Teresa

  13. I got your email – lots of good info in there. I have neglected Magnesium. Thanks for the reminder. Where’s your blog? I’d love to read your story. Thanks for taking the time to share what you’ve learned!

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